A few years ago, I was meeting with a buddy of mine. We were serving on a board of directors together, and he was a really impressive guy. I remember thinking, Richard’s got it all together—he’s bright, funny, and just an all-around great guy.
So, I told him, “Richard, you’ve really got it going on. You’re smart, funny, and a genuinely good person.”
He looked at me and said, “Thank you for your projection.”
I paused. “Wait… what?”
He repeated, “Thank you for your projection.”
Still confused, I asked, “What do you mean by that?”
Then he explained: “I don’t take compliments too seriously because people tend to project the things they like about themselves onto others. And I also don’t take it too seriously when people project things they dislike about me because, again, that’s usually just a reflection of something within themselves.”
That really got me thinking.
Carl Jung talked about this—how we project onto others the parts of ourselves we haven’t fully owned. But if you want a more accessible way to understand it, there’s a book called The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Deborah Ford.
Her message is simple but powerful:
- Find all the things you admire in others—and recognize that those qualities exist in you too.
- Find all the things that drive you crazy about other people—and realize that you’re projecting something unresolved within yourself onto them.
I promise, if you read this book, you’ll experience a massive mindset shift. But fair warning—it won’t be comfortable.
Ford challenges us to look past our defense mechanisms, the ones that immediately say, “Oh, I’m not like that.” Instead, she asks us to flip it and say, “Where am I like that?”
And that’s where things get real.
If someone’s arrogance really irritates you, ask yourself: Where am I arrogant? When do I do that?
If dishonesty in others frustrates you, ask: When have I been dishonest?
The truth is, we all have bits and pieces of these traits within us. But instead of owning them, we often make it about other people.
Now, if you want to create a great workplace—or just live a great life—you have to be willing to look at yourself first. What are the dark parts within you that you’ve been projecting onto others?
And here’s the easiest way to figure that out: What absolutely drives you crazy about someone else? Because that’s your clue. That’s the exact place where you have some shadow-side projection—where you haven’t fully owned that part of yourself.
So, the real work begins when you acknowledge it. Okay, how do I do that? When do I show up that way? Then, you work on reducing that trait within yourself—not just because it’s unattractive in an adult, but because it’s something you no longer want to carry.
And here’s a crucial part of the process: Forgive yourself.
You’re never going to be perfect. You’ll always have some level of projection going on. But the goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress.
Because when we stop projecting our own disowned parts onto others, something amazing happens: we create an environment where people feel safe to be fully human.
And that changes everything—how we work through conflict, how we connect, how we grow.
So, start doing your own inner work, and I guarantee you, other people will magically start showing up as better versions of themselves. Funny how that works, isn’t it?