HAPPINESS BUYS MONEY
More than 200 studies show that money does not make people happy. But hang on—research does show a connection between success and happiness, but it flows the other way. People who are happy earn up to $750,000 more in a lifetime than unhappy folks.
So maybe money doesn’t buy happiness…but happiness apparently buys money!
People in a positive mood talk to others more readily, resolve conflicts more effectively, collaborate more willingly, help others, think creatively, and perform complex tasks better than people who are stressed and unhappy. And all THOSE things add up to greater success.
So how can you inject more happiness into your life? Interestingly, it’s by doing the very things that come easier to happy people. Get out of your cube and interact with others. Help someone else resolve a conflict. Get creative. These things make us happy, which makes it easier to do those things, which…now see the crazy, happy little wheel you’re in?
By seizing these opportunities to make ourselves and those around us happy and content, we put our eventual success a heck of a lot closer.
Ask Roxanne!
Dear Roxanne,
I have a peer at our bank who has solicited my written input on an issue in the department he supervises. This manager does not accept negative feedback well, so I was hesitant. After being asked many times, I acquiesced. It did NOT go well. A special meeting has been called to discuss my comments. I stand by my feedback and will defend it, but do not appreciate being called out for providing feedback that was asked for repeatedly. What do you do with a manager who cannot handle negative feedback, but keeps asking for it?—Rustin F.
Dear Rustin,
When most people ask for your honest opinion, they mean, “Please flatter me.” It takes a special kind of person to thank you for telling them the hard truth. But no growth comes from hearing, over and over, that we’re just fine the way we are. That said, we also have to be sure we’re approaching in the best way. I’ll explain what I mean in this week’s column.—Roxanne
Do you have a question about how to handle a situation or a relationship in the workplace? Ask Roxanne!
Tough love hurts…and helps
I once knew a sculptor. She did incredible work and had her creations displayed in galleries around the U.S. and Europe. Critics raved about her eye, her touch, her artistic vision.
Then came a bad review—a REALLY bad review, in a really big magazine. She took it incredibly hard. At one point, she was literally ready to pack it in. She could no longer hear the applause over this single, critical voice.
It didn’t help that the reviewer had been demeaning and obnoxious. It felt like his barbs were aimed not at her work, but at her. She felt personally attacked.
Fortunately a friend was able to rally her spirits. Better yet, the friend helped her see that (in-between the snide comments) the critic had made several valid points, insights that later helped her improve her technique and gain even more acclaim.
Some people attach who they are to what they do. As a result, when they hear challenging feedback, they hear, “I’m not okay.” You will hear it when people say they are offended.
Know this: Nobody can EVER offend you without your permission. You choose to be offended, usually as a way to say, “Back off…I really can’t hear that I’m not okay”—even if that’s not what you’re saying. It is all about being in a place of weak self-esteem. Of course, that means all of us. There’s not a human being on Earth who doesn’t struggle with self-esteem at some level. It is just a matter of the degree to which it has us in its grip.
If you’ve given challenging input that was not well received, you should address the concern immediately. Gently ask the offended person to explain what was offensive. As he or she begins to explain (if they are reflective at all—admittedly a big “if”), they will come to the realization that you were not handling it in an inappropriate way after all. Or, you may get some valuable coaching IF your approach could be honed.
Either way, you stay even and calm and choose to rise above being triggered yourself.
Remember, we are accountable TO people but not FOR them. IF this person is suffering some painful triggers from their youth that have nothing to do with you, skip merrily down the street and know that you did what you could. Humans are not perfect, but that doesn’t let us off the hook to not be the best we can be.
As my mother used to say: “You don’t have to like everybody, but you do have to love them.”
Two thoughts for repairing hurt feelings after offense is taken
1. Be absolutely sure that your request was respectful and not accusatory or hurtful. That is best accomplished by checking your language to make sure you were making requests about actions, as opposed to offending the character of the person. IF that was okay, then know you’ve done your piece there.
2. Stay in 100 percent responsibility for the relationship EVEN if you now know this person is coming from a place of hurt. Say: “I’m feeling like I said something that was hurtful and I’m unhappy about that and want to repair that. I did not intend to hurt you; my requests were to help improve a situation. Can you coach me on how I can make suggestions without putting our relationship in harm’s way?”
Quick tip
Check out Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. A brilliant book on effective communication between fallible humans.